


Gon... I'm sorry.

by CGStrider



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-05
Updated: 2014-12-11
Packaged: 2018-02-28 05:18:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2720102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CGStrider/pseuds/CGStrider
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I left. I screwed up. I don't think I've ever screwed up this bad.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Slowly

Gon quietly rolls over in his sleep. His even breathing rustles the soft sheets covering him. He sighs, his shoulder sliding the sheet from it. I reach towards him hesitantly, pulling the sheet back up. I don't touch him. He doesn't like it when I touch him. I used to be able to trace every feature of his face. I could kiss his tender, innocent lips and his sweet, soft neck. He would smile in the loving, unguarded way he reserved only for me and my cold heart would warm up a little. 

Now, my phantom fingers only give him shocks. He shivers and looks around if I whisper to him what I always used to say. Now, my side of the bed is empty and cold. Gon's eyes are cold and hard. My touch is sharp and cold. Everything is cold. I wish dearly I hadn't done it. I could have persevered, for him. If I had known this would happen. If I knew every time he would wake up from a nightmare and reach for me in an empty bedroom; every time he would wake up crying and spend the rest of the night holding my pillow and apologizing; over and over and over he would apologize. I want to hold him close, to tell him it's not his fault; that I'm here and to tell him what I always said; but I cant. I'm not there. I can't touch him. I'm dead. I still love him, but it doesn't matter. I can't any more. I'm dead because I was selfish. 

Gon rolls over again, frowning. He mutters in his sleep.   
"K-Killua..." I lay next to him, desperately wanting to put my arm around him and make it better. "Killua... NO!" Gon sits ramrod straight, tears coating his face. I know that dream. That's the one where I tell him I'm going to the store. He finds my body. He doesn't have good dreams any more. I gently stroke his messy hair. Gon has no idea how sweet he looks when his hair is down and messy, strands falling into his eyes every so often. Gon wipes his cheeks. He looks at my pillow, where my head no longer rested. He pictures my tousled head making its light indentation next to his own and fresh tears start to fall. "Killua..." I stroke his hair. 

"Gon. It's alright. I'm here." My own spectral tears begin to spill down my pale cheeks. Gon tilts his head back and begins to wail. I hear a thump from the room next door and the clomp of running feet in the hall outside. Leorio knocks respectfully on the door before walking in. Wordlessly, he sits next to Gon on the bed. He pulls Gon into a hug and Gon wraps his arms around Leorio's waist, sobs racking his body and his cries muffled by Leorio's side. Kurapika steps soundlessly into the room after Leorio and sits on Gon's other side. He rubs Gon's back, at a loss for anything else to do. I sit back and watch, powerless, as the person most dear to me cries. I want to scream at them to get away from him - to scream that he is mine and mine alone - but I know they can't hear me. That doesn't stop me. I scream and scream and cry and berate myself for leaving. When Gon finally calms, Leorio and Kurapika ask him the questions they always do. What was the dream; how is he now; if they can help; but the answer is always the same. I know it by heart. "It was about Killua, but I'm alright now. Thank you." They hug him and leave. Gon stares blankly at the wall. I know he's thinking about me. 

Robotically, Gon stands. He walks across the room into the adjacent bathroom. He picks up Leorio's razor and simply stares at it. He rests the sharp edge on the soft inside of his wrist and prepares for the pain to come. I know this part, too. He tests his endurance. He tests precisely how much pressure it will take to simply slit his own wrist. I can visibly see - every time - when he rethinks his decision. He looks at the razor and I imagine he thinks of Leorio smiling at him. He thinks of Kurapika caring for him as best he knows how. Gon takes the razor from his wrist and slumps to the floor. It falls from his limp hand and tears begin anew to roll down his face. 

"Killua..." He whispers. It breaks my heart. Every time. "Killua..." I say again what I always said and drew my voice from the depths of my phantasmal heart. 

"Gon... I love you..." 

But this time is different. "Ne, Killua..." Gon says, his tearstained face resolutely staying fixed on the floor, tears streaming down his face. "Why?"   
That single word shattered what was left of my resolve. I touched him. I touched his wrist where the angry red line was. I touched his damp lips. I touched his forehead, his eyelids, his hands... 

"It's not your fault!" I cried. "It wasn't you! I was the messed up one! I was the broken one who couldn't deal with anything! Gon I'm so sorry!"   
Gon was frozen. I knew my hands gave him faint shocks, but I was too overwhelmed to care. He clapped his hands over his mouth to stifle another wail and curled up into a ball on the bathroom floor. "Gon... " I whispered. I needed to find a way to communicate with him. I needed to speak to him before... 

 

Before he killed himself too.


	2. I walk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Slowly, I walk...

Gon eventually totters back to our bed. This time he lay on my side. He buries his face in my pillow and inhales what was left of my scent. Mentally exhausted,  I lay on his vacated side of the mattress. Could spirits sleep? I don't think so. Gon falls into a restless sleep, tossing and turning every so often. I stay by his side, but my mind is focused on the mammoth task ahead of me. I have to find a way to communicate with Gon. I have to tell him it wasn't his fault. I stare at the ceiling until an idea comes to me. I stand - or rather float - and tuck the blankets up to Gon's soft chin. 

I touch the radio and my hand doesn't go through. Step one complete. Now, my challenge is to see if I can get my voice to go through the antenna and into the speakers. I lower the volume control completely before switching it on. I start to speak. "Gon." I turn up the volume just loud enough for me to hear it and say his name again. "Gon." 

I place my finger on the antenna and say it again. Progress! I can hear my voice coming through the radio static. I fiddle with the tuning dial. My voice comes closer to clarity. 

"Killua?!" Gon sat bolt upright. I say his name again and he starts to cry. 

"Gon... Gon... I love you..." Tears prick the corners of my eyes. "I'm sorry I left... it wasn't your fault!  It was me! I screwed up!" 

Gon's eyes alight on the radio and his face is a mask of grief. No matter how many times he woke up from a nightmare, it was never this bad. "Killua!" He wails. "Killua..." 

"I'm here, Gon." keeping one hand on the radio anrennae, I stretch my other arm towards him and trail my finders across his hand. 

His eyes widen at the tingly shock. "Killua... that was you?"

I sob with relief. "Yes!"

"All this time, that was you... Killua..." Tears steadily flow down both of our faces now. "Thank you... for not moving on yet... I'm glad I have your spirit..."

My lips twist into a small smile. "I couldn't leave you, Gon. Not completely..." White-hot fire runs from my hand on the radio, traveling up my arm and engilfing my head. I jerk my hand off the radio and the fire continues to consume me. I scream, but I can't hear myself. Gon can't hear me. I writhe, my entire being becoming a mass of pain. 

Then there was nothing. I float aimlessly, wind ruffling my hair. I couldn't move anything but my eyes. I cant see anything. Its so dark... I try to clench my fists, to kick, to scream - but to no avail. I am paralyzed. I don't know how long I stayed like that before I heard the voice. 

"Killua," it says. I search desperately for the source, any trace of my calm completely vanished. "Killua, it's time." The voice is deep and brazen, like the tolling of a great bell. It compels me to move and I find, to my surprise, that I can. 

"What do you mean 'it's time?!'" I scream into the empty black void. 

"Killua, it's time for you to move on." 

"No!" I don't care about logic. I don't care how much it will hurt me to stay with him. "No! I won't leave Gon alone again!" 

"Killua." The voice loses some of its smooth charm. "Leave. Now."

"I'm not leaving! I gave you my decision. Now fuck off!" I make an obscene gesture. 

The voice groans. Score one for me. "Killua, you're being immature."

"So what? I'm not leaving!" With that, I turn on my heel and float in the opposite direction. I don't know where I'm going but as long as I'm moving, I'm making progress. 

"Where do you think you're going?" 

"Home." I answer him simply. I am curt and precise, not wanting to waste any more time dawdling here. I have a boyfriend to return to. 

"Good luck, Killua." 

"Thanks." I walk. 

I don't know how long I walked. 

 

I don't know who I am, but I have a mission. I have to find... I have a mission. I have... I don't know who I am, but I have a mission. I have a mission. I have... a mission. I have to find my... I don't know who I am. I think I have a mission. I don't know my name. I don't know if I have a name. I don't know who I am, but I have a mission. I have... i... who am I?

Slowly, I walk. I don't know who I am. I don't know if I have a purpose. 

I'm in a room. There's a big bed. This bed is too big for just one person. There is a person. His hair is... dark. He is... dark. His face is closed and sad. I want to... touch him. I want to touch his sad, sad face. I want to soothe him. I don't know him. I want to... He looks at his ceiling. He wails. I stretch my arm out. I move to him. My hand rests on his shoulder. My hand goes through his shoulder. I don't know who I am... do I have a mission? 

I don't know.


End file.
